Yesterday
night, I was watching a panel discussion on India's budget for this
year, presented earlier in the day, by the finance minister to the
parliament. A few participants (obviously from the opposition) said
, while giving their reactions, that it was a bad budget and they
were disappointed because they had great expectations from the
finance minister. This really set me thinking. These guys felt
disappointed because the budget did not fulfill their expectations. I
then realised that, what these guys were saying was in fact such an
universal truth that it controls the entire gamut of human
relationships, whether between close blood relationships,
relationships in law or even in social domain.
When a
child is born, he has an expectation that his mother shall feed him.
If that does not happen immediately, he is angry and starts crying
almost blowing the roof. He is angry because his expectations are not
being complied with. Kids obey their parents because they expect many
things from the parents, food, clothes, toys and above all being
loved. Only because their parents fulfill their expectations, they
reluctantly agree to go to school, have exercise and so on. Get my
point? We all start expecting things the moment we are born.
Similar
is the case of close blood relationships. Siblings expect, fair
treatment, equitable distribution of goodies and fun sharing from
each other. If these things do not happen, we see strained
relationships in many families. Even for slightly distant
relationships like cousins, aunts and uncles or grand parents, there
are always expectations, which may or may not be met. If it does not
happen then in no time, these slightly distant relationships sour and
become really distant.
When
we consider the relationships in law, the veil of expectations
becomes so transparently gossamer that they can get torn even at the
slightest stress. Many years ago, I had visited the famous 'Salarjang
Museum' in the Indian city of Hyderabad. In a particular wing of this
museum, I saw a display of bejeweled long coats of the 'Nizam' of
Hyderabad and his courtiers. Made from choicest silk, these formal
wears had many valuable jewels embedded on them by embroidery woven
with real gold thin wire. The formal wears looked absolutely
fantastic as they dazzled in the spotlights. However, I did not
particularly like the idea of wearing them because even with a soft
lining, they were bound to cause injury to body if accidentally
rubbed, which would always happen with any piece of clothing. The
in-law relationship are like these formal coats. Because our son gets
married to another couple's daughter, this couple becomes our
in-laws. Really speaking, in-laws have no interest in each other,
unless they have been friends from earlier times. Surprisingly, even
here- in such formal kind or relationship- there are expectations and
if they are not met the relationships immediately become strained.
When a
child gets married, the parents acquire a son or a daughter in law.
However in truth, they are a son or a daughter, only for namesake.
Its kind of funny that a marginal differentiation in expectations
from a son-in-law and daughter-in-law is always seen. Normally all
that is expected from a son-in-law is that he behaves in a cordial
manner and treats his wife well. But with the daughter in law,
expectations soar above the sky. Parents feel that daughters-in-law
should adjust themselves to the norms of the family. In today's
nuclear families, this expectation is not met in most of the cases
leading to family strife. A girl might be a good wife and her husband
may not have any complaints about her. But for the parents, she is a
terrible daughter in law. Almost all of their expectations remain far
from being met and the relationship sours to such an extents that
only cursory formal communication may survive or even a total break
down may happen.
Even
the most important relationship of our lives; that between a husband
and a wife; also is not free from expectations. This relationship
can be considered as the most intimate one; be it at physical level
or of two minds. Because of its intimate nature, the expectations
from this relationship are at the highest level. It is a wonder of
nature, that most of the couples do meet the expectations of each
other and stay together, leaving unfortunate few, who find their
marriages on the rocks, because there is a vast gap between the
expectations and the realities. Some couples even manage to to keep
their marriages intact in spite of major gap between expectations.
There
is one relationship however, which goes contrary to the rule. A
mothers' relationship with her children. A son may not treat his
mother well and cause much pain to her, even then her love for the
son can never diminish. This is the only relationship that does not
sour even if expectations are never met.
However, we must note that expectations
are not limited to relationships only. They are valid even in social
domain. We have expectations from friends, colleagues, bosses,
subordinates, associations, society and finally Government. Though
these expectations are not so great and are rather topical and
limited. If these are not met, we may feel disappointment butmay not
feel heartburn or sorrow.
It is
a fact of life that we keep expecting things from everybody else
throughout our lives. It is also true that most of the expectations
remain unfulfilled again all through our lifetimes, giving much pain
to us. What should we do? Unfortunately, no real solution really
exists. The only way out is by controlling our own minds,
we reduce our expectations. The less we expect from others, happier
would we be!
12th
July 2014
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